‘I am angry’: I’m an unmarried stay-at-home mother in a 20-year relationship, but my boyfriend won’t put my name on the deed of our house. Am I unreasonable?

I have been in my relationship for almost 20 years. For personal reasons, we are not married but we have a 10-year-old child.

When our child was born, we decided that I would be a stay-at-home parent because my low-paying job didn’t cover the costs of child care, and at the time, we were stretched. I have been an at-home caregiver and homemaker for a decade. 

About two years ago, we finally saved enough to buy our first home. It’s a condo, but it’s ours. Since it was my first house purchase, I didn’t fully understand the process, so by the time my partner closed on the condo, I realized I was not on the deed. 

When I asked why I was left out, my partner made some noises about loan applications, the cost, etc. My credit score is higher than his, so if I were part of the loan process for the mortgage, wouldn’t it have been beneficial to us?

In the two years since we’ve bought and moved into our place, we’ve had several tense “discussions” about adding me to the deed. For me, even though I’m not an earner, I am still a working member of this household, so having my name on the deed is about equality in the relationship and family. 

When our child was born, we decided that I would be a stay-at-home parent because my low-paying job didn’t cover the costs of child care.

Through my labor as a homemaker, which includes meal preparation, cleaning, laundry and home maintenance — not to mention 24/7 childcare — I feel my role as a “stakeholder” in this family should include legally owning my home. Am I wrong?

Through the various discussions we’ve had, it seems my partner is unwilling to add me to the deed. First, he got angry whenever I tried to discuss it, and tried to make it sound as if I was being completely unreasonable. But now he says it’s because it’ll cost several thousand dollars, and that in the end, it “really shouldn’t matter.” 

But it does matter. To me, not being on the deed is a direct correlation to how I am devalued for my time and labor. I feel like I am considered “less than” simply because I am a woman, an at-home parent, and a homemaker. I am angry about my situation. 

Adding to the complication, we JUST purchased an upstairs neighbor’s condo with the intention of renting it out. After all the fuss about being excluded, my partner made sure my name is on the deed for this second unit. But because of this, my partner says having my name on the original home is “unnecessary.”

I want to continue to fight for my name to be added — to fully own BOTH properties. But my partner is still making me sound completely unreasonable, to spend thousands of dollars just for a “piece of paper.” I know we can afford the costs, and I feel the cost is worth it so I can be on equal footing in this family. And legally, it is not just a piece of paper to me. 

Am I really being unreasonable? Will the costs really outweigh the benefits? What can I do?

We live in New Jersey.

Thank you.

Not on the Deed

Dear Not on the Deed,

Common-law marriage is not recognized in New Jersey, so it’s up to unmarried couples to manage their joint assets the old-fashioned way. The father of your child has certainly done his best to do that, and has tipped the scales in his favor. 

You are either a committed couple in a long-term relationship with a view to sharing your lives, or you’re not. Not putting you on the mortgage — assuming he did so given your good credit — or the deed of your home is sharp practice. At this point, you would likely need to finance to put you on the mortgage, and may need to inform the lender to do the latter.

Put bluntly, you’re not being unreasonable. There is a huge amount of physical, mental and emotional labor involved in being a stay-at-home parent and homemaker, and an equal amount of time devoted to raising your son and taking care of your home while your partner attends to his 9-to-5 job.

Being in a long-term unmarried relationship can affect everything from taxes to real estate. “Unmarried couples do not have the same rights as married couples when it comes to estate planning,” according to the New Jersey-based Bronzino Law Firm.

“They aren’t eligible to inherit a portion of their partner’s estate, for example; and they don’t receive tax breaks on property that they plan to leave their long-term partner after their death, the way that married couples do,” the law firm writes.

There is a huge amount of physical, mental and emotional labor involved in being a stay-at-home parent and homemaker, and an equal amount of time devoted to raising your son.

Your partner would have to file a grant or warranty deed with the county clerk. This could come with ramifications for insurance and should be done in consultation with a lawyer. It should, in theory, only cost a few hundred dollars.

I say “in theory” as that does not account for the closing costs and, of course, if there is a significantly higher interest rate now than when the loan was first signed.

“Deeds are characterized by ‘guarantees’ the grantor makes about their interest in the property, and ‘promises” of future action the grantor will take if their representations are challenged,” according to the law firm of Earl White.

“Covenants are the defining feature of each type of deed,” he writes. “Sellers often guarantee a property is sold free and clear of mortgages and liens, and that the seller has authority to make the sale.”

Some broader context: A few years ago, Oxfam released a study that estimated women contributed $10.8 trillion to the world’s economy every year in unpaid labor. That’s three times the size of the world’s technology industry. 

The cost of you pursuing this does not outweigh the benefits. Your time is valuable. Your contribution to your partnership is valuable. Your sense of worth is valuable. And your role as a homemaker and a mother is also valuable. 

Yocan email The Moneyist with any financial and ethical questions related to coronavirus at [email protected], and follow Quentin Fottrell on Twitter.

Check out the Moneyist private Facebook group, where we look for answers to life’s thorniest money issues. Readers write in to me with all sorts of dilemmas. Post your questions, tell me what you want to know more about, or weigh in on the latest Moneyist columns.

The Moneyist regrets he cannot reply to questions individually.

More from Quentin Fottrell:

• ‘I’ve felt like an outsider my whole life’: My father died without a will, leaving behind my stepmother and her 4 children. Do I have any rights to his estate?
• ‘He was infatuated with her’: My brother had a drinking problem and took his own life. He left $6 million to his former girlfriend who used to buy him alcohol
• She had a will, but it was null and void’: My friend and her sister are fighting over their mother’s life-insurance policy and bank account. Who should win out?



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5 New Year’s resolutions for your dog and cat | CNN

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You may be spending a good bit of time right now finalizing — and, of course, implementing — your resolutions for the new year. Congratulations! Focusing on a happy and healthy lifestyle is a huge investment in your future.

But have you thought about what might be optimal for your best friend and furry companion? Here are some new year’s resolutions experts say can benefit you and your pet.

If your pet went on an unplanned walkabout, would your neighbors be able to call you or bring them home? Identification tags are inexpensive and available at most pet stores. Even better: The more permanent form of identification, a microchip, cannot fall off or be removed and can be a lifesaver if your pet wanders farther from home.

America is in the midst of an obesity crisis, and it’s affecting our dogs and cats. Too many pets today are overweight, said Dr. Dana Varble, chief veterinary officer of the North American Veterinary Community.

“If your dog or cat was to speak to you, he or she might admit that they are getting too many treats. ‘It is getting awfully hard to catch my breath when we play ball and my hips and knees are starting to ache,’ your dog might say.

“Your cat might give you a dirty look for allowing the vet to check their weight, and will certainly blame any extra pounds on you. ‘The fact that you give in every time I yowl, purr, or rub your legs isn’t helping my weight problem,’ your cat might say,’” Varble added.

Instead of acquiescing to those plaintive meows or soulful eyes, Varble suggests reducing the amount of food you give at any one meal or feeding. Instead, provide a smaller amount at set times throughout the day to help your pet lose a few pounds.

Exercise is good for both you and your pet, Varble said. That’s easily achieved with a dog: Nearly every dog would benefit from at least two walks a day, or a good chase after a ball or Frisbee, she said.

“You need the fresh air, and your dog needs to be able to check out all the smells in the neighborhood, which keeps their minds busy and their body tired,” Varble said.

How do you exercise a cat? Some people put their fuzzy felines on a leash and go for a walk. But if that’s not for you, “find more interactive toys for your cat to chase,” Varble said. “Remember, toys are like prey. Your cat is still an ancient predator.”

Energize your cat by  enticing it to catch that

Interactive toys don’t have to be expensive. A toilet paper roll, a paper bag, a crinkled ball of foil or a string you trail behind you will excite the hunter in your domesticated kitty as much as the most expensive interactive toy.

Tie feathers to the end of a stick, swing it through the air and watch your cat leap.

And of course no cat can resist the allure of an empty box, especially one that turns out to have an unexpected treat or toy in it. Consider all the memes of cats sitting in boxes; even lions, tigers and other big cats find the habit irresistible.

Both dogs and cats can benefit from mental exercise as well. Food puzzles are a great way to keep your pet’s mind engaged. The internet is full of such items to purchase, but it’s also full of DIY examples you can easily make on your own.

Cut circles in the top of a shoebox and drop in treats for your cat to fish out. Roll some treats up in a towel for your dog to unravel. Cut small holes in a toilet paper roll, put treats inside and tape up the ends — voila, you have a rolling treat dispenser. Or do the same with a plastic bottle.

(Wouldn’t coming up with these ideas also be a good human brain game?)

You like to shower and style your hair, right? A good brushing stimulates blood flow to your scalp and distributes natural oils, making your hair shine with health. Your dog and cat benefit from daily brushing — and an occasional bath — too. (Your couch will also thank you.)

Take it a step further and brush your pet’s teeth. Yes, cats need their teeth brushed too. Start when your pet is a puppy or kitten and you’ll have no issues, but with some patience you can ease your adult pet into the process too, experts say.

Periodontal disease, which is inflammation of the gums and bone that support your pet’s teeth, has been linked to an increased risk of heart disease in dogs. And because the kidneys and liver filter bacteria from the mouth that’s circulating in the blood, those organs are especially vulnerable to damage.

“Following a good oral care routine, including brushing teeth and regular dental evaluation with your veterinarian, can prevent these serious consequences,” Varble said.

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Myths and facts about treating a hangover | CNN

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Are you celebrating the first day of 2023 with a hangover?

If so, you might be looking for a method to ease your misery. There are certainly a lot of so-called hangover cures, some dating back centuries.

“The ancient Greeks believed that eating cabbage could cure a hangover, and the Romans thought that a meal of fried canaries would do the trick,” said Dr. John Brick, former chief of research at the Center of Alcohol Studies, Education and Training Division at Rutgers University in New Jersey, who authored “The Doctor’s Hangover Handbook.”

“Today, some Germans believe that a hearty breakfast of red meat and bananas cures hangovers. You might find some French drinking strong coffee with salt, or some Chinese drinking spinach tea,” he said. “Some of the more unusual hangover cures are used by some people in Puerto Rico, who rub half a lemon under their drinking arm.”

In truth, the only cure for a hangover is time, according to the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism.

“A person must wait for the body to finish clearing the toxic byproducts of alcohol metabolism, to rehydrate, to heal irritated tissue, and to restore immune and brain activity to normal,” according to the institute. That recovery process can take up to 24 hours.

Are there things you can do to ease your transition? Possibly, experts say, but many common hangover “cures” may make your hangover worse. Here’s how to separate fact from fiction.

Having another drink, or the “hair of the dog that bit you,” is a well-known cure for a hangover, right? Not really, experts say.

The reason some people believe it works is because once the calming effects of alcohol pass, the brain on a hangover is overstimulated. (It’s also the reason you wake up in the middle of the night once your body has metabolized alcohol.)

“You’ve got this hyperexcitability in the brain after the alcohol is gone,” said Dr. Robert Swift, a professor of psychiatry and human behavior at Brown University’s Warren Alpert Medical School in Providence, Rhode Island.

“If you look at the brain of somebody with a hangover, even though the person might feel tired, their brain is actually overexcited,” he said.

Consuming more alcohol normalizes the brain again, “because you’re adding a sedative to your excited brain,” Swift said. “You feel better until the alcohol goes away and the cycle repeats in a way.”

The answer is yes, depending on hangover symptoms, Brick said. If you’re a coffee drinker, skipping your morning cup of joe may lead to caffeine withdrawal on top of your hangover.

But coffee can irritate the stomach lining, which is already inflamed by alcohol, Brick said. So if you are queasy and nauseous, coffee may only make matters worse.

“If you have a hangover, have a quarter of a cup of coffee,” Brick suggested. “See if you feel better — it takes about 20 minutes for the caffeine to start to have some noticeable effect.

“If coffee doesn’t make you feel better, don’t drink anymore. Obviously, that’s not the cure for your hangover.”

Forget eating a greasy breakfast in the wee hours after a night of drinking — you’re adding insult to injury, Swift said: “Greasy food is harder to digest, so it’s probably good to avoid it.”

Eating greasy food also doesn’t make much sense. The alcohol we drink, called ethyl alcohol or ethanol, is the byproduct of fermenting carbohydrates and starches, usually some sort of grain, grape or berry. While it may create some tasty beverages, ethanol is also a solvent, Brick said.

“It cuts through grease in your stomach much the same way it cleans grease off oily car parts,” he said.

Instead, experts suggest using food to prevent hangovers, by eating before you have that first drink.

“Eating food loaded with protein and carbohydrates can significantly slow down the absorption of alcohol,” Brick said. “The slower the alcohol gets to your brain, the less rapid the ‘shock’ to your brain.”

Alcohol dehydrates, so a headache and other hangover symptoms may be partly due to constricted blood vessels and a loss of electrolytes, essential minerals such as sodium, calcium and potassium that your body needs.

If you’ve vomited, you’ve lost even more electrolytes, and all of this can lead to fatigue, confusion, irregular heart rate, digestive problems and more.

Replacing lost fluids with water or a type of sports drink with extra electrolytes can help boost recovery from a hangover, Swift said.

Taking over-the-counter pain meds can be dangerous, especially if you take too many while intoxicated, experts say. Taking an acetaminophen, such as Tylenol, can further damage your overtaxed liver, while aspirin and ibuprofen can irritate your stomach lining.

“You should never, never take alcohol with acetaminophen or Tylenol,” Swift said. “You can actually cause liver damage from an overdose of Tylenol.”

But aspirin, ibuprofen and naproxen are “theoretically” OK, he added.

“Even though they tend to be anti-inflammatory in the body, they can cause inflammation in the stomach,” Swift said. “Don’t take them on an empty stomach; always take anti-inflammatories with food.”

While most alcohol is handled by the liver, a small amount leaves the body unchanged through sweat, urine and breathing.

Get up, do some light stretching and walking, and drink plenty of water to encourage urination, Brick said.

“Before you go to sleep and when you wake up, drink as much water as you comfortably can handle,” he said. You can also take a multivitamin “before you hit the shower in the morning (to) replenish lost vitamins, minerals and other nutrients.”

If you would rather have something warm and soothing, Brick suggested broth or other homemade soups.

“These will also help to replace lost salts, including potassium and other substances,” he said, “but will not make you sober up faster or improve impairment due to intoxication or hangover.”

Store shelves are packed with so-called hangover cures. Unfortunately, there’s no proof they work. In 2020, researchers published what they called the “world’s largest randomised double-blind placebo-controlled” trial of supplements containing vitamins, minerals, plant extracts and antioxidants and found no real improvement in hangover symptoms.

Even if one solution works, it likely won’t fix all your symptoms, experts say.

“The effects of alcohol and alcoholic beverages are so complicated, so complex,” Swift said, “that any solution might address one or two of the symptoms but won’t address them all.”

What does work for a hangover? Time. It will take time for your body to release all the toxins causing your misery, experts say. And the only way to prevent a hangover is to abstain.

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How to beat that New Year’s hangover before it starts | CNN



CNN
 — 

Toasting the birth of the new year is an age-old ritual, and for many, so is that dreaded morning aftermath — a hangover.

What seemed like great fun at the time is now causing your hands to shake, your head to pound and your heart to race, not to mention other unpleasant symptoms such as dizziness, nausea, vomiting, light sensitivity and excruciating thirst.

Why are you suffering? Because the liquor that smoothly passed your lips is now wreaking havoc in your body, causing dehydration, stomach distress and inflammation. These ailments peak about the time all the alcohol leaves your body.

There is no scientifically proven way to cure a hangover, but experts say you can prevent one — or at least keep that morning-after misery to a minimum. Here’s how.

Forget a late-night meal after a night of drinking — that’s much too late, experts say. Instead, eat before your first drink and keep noshing as the night goes on.

“Food in the stomach slows gastric emptying and can reduce hangover symptoms,” said Dr. Robert Swift, a professor of psychiatry and human behavior at Brown University’s Warren Alpert Medical School in Providence, Rhode Island.

Why does food help? Because most alcohol isn’t absorbed by an empty stomach but via the intestinal tract just below it, Swift said.

“If somebody does shots on an empty stomach, for example, all that pure alcohol is not diluted by the stomach and is passed to the intestine very quickly,” said Swift, who has studied alcohol abuse since the 1990s.

“If the stomach contains food, however, there are gastric juices and enzymes that mix the food and the alcohol, and only small amounts of food are passed into the intestine,” he said. “Now the alcohol is diluted in the stomach, and only a small quantity of alcohol is absorbed at any time.”

The same principle applies to water and other nonalcoholic beverages, Swift said. “If alcohol is mixed with fluid, it’s diluted, so when it goes into your intestines, it’s not as irritating. You’re less likely to have inflamed intestines or an inflamed stomach lining.”

Drinking water can help reduce the dehydration that occurs from downing too many alcoholic drinks.

There’s another benefit to downing water between drinks, said Dr. John Brick, former chief of research at the Center of Alcohol Studies, Education and Training Division at Rutgers University in New Jersey.

“The primary cause of hangovers is dehydration and the loss of fluids, along with vitamins and minerals,” said Brick, who authored “The Doctor’s Hangover Handbook” and published scientific papers on the biobehavioral effects of alcohol and other drugs.

Downing just 3½ alcoholic drinks can result in the loss of up to a quart of water over several hours, Brick added. “That’s a good amount of water that has to be replenished.”

Dehydration from alcohol may affect a woman even more, and she is more likely to suffer a hangover, even if she drinks less than a man, Swift said. That’s because a man has a higher percentage of body water than a woman of the same height and weight, so the same amount of alcohol will be more diluted in a man, he said.

“The woman will have a higher concentration of blood alcohol because her body contains less water to dilute it,” he said. “Women are much more susceptible to the deleterious effects of alcohol (and they) get more intoxicated and develop alcohol liver disease sooner in life than men do.”

The alcohol we drink, called ethyl alcohol or ethanol, is the byproduct of fermenting carbohydrates and starches, usually some sort of grain, grape or berry. We use byproducts of fermentation in other ways: Ethanol is added to the gasoline in our cars, and methyl alcohol or methanol — a toxic substance — is used as a solvent, pesticide and alternative fuel source. Also called wood alcohol, methyl alcohol made by bootleggers blinded or killed thousands of people during Prohibition.

That’s not all — the list of byproducts or chemicals added by manufacturers for flavor and taste can read like a list of supplies at an industrial warehouse: ethyl formate, ethyl acetate, n-propanol, isobutanol, n-butanol, isopentanol and isoamyl alcohols. While these congeners, as they are called, are added in small, nontoxic amounts, some people are overly sensitive to their effects.

Overall, dark-colored beer and spirits tend to contain more congeners and thus may be more likely to cause hangovers, experts say. A 2010 study investigated the intensity of hangovers in people who drank the darker-colored liquor bourbon versus clear vodka.

“Congeners in bourbon … significantly increased hangover intensity, which is not too surprising since bourbon has about 37 times the amount of congeners as vodka,” Brick said.

Chemical preservatives called sulfites, known to cause allergic reactions in sensitive people, are also a natural byproduct of fermentation in small quantities. However, many manufacturers of beer and wine add sulfites to their products to extend shelf life. (Sulfites are also added to soda, cereals, sweeteners, canned and ultra-processed foods, medications and more.)

Sweet and white wines tend to have more sulfites than red, but red wines contain more tannins, which are bitter or astringent compounds found in the skin and seeds of grapes. Like sulfites, tannins can trigger allergic reactions in people who are sensitive.

As a result, limiting your drinking to light beers, clear liquors and white wine might help keep hangovers at bay.

In the end, however, experts say there is only one true preventive — or cure — for a hangover: Don’t drink.

“There’s no simple cure because there are so many complex factors that are producing the multiple symptoms of a hangover,” Swift said. “And that’s why the only real cure for a hangover is to not drink alcohol or drink such a low amount of alcohol that it won’t trigger a hangover.”

Correction: A previous version of this story misstated the process through which alcohol is absorbed in the body.

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‘Gaslighters have two signature moves’: Are you being gaslighted at work? Here’s how to recognize the signs.

Are you less happy at work since you befriended that new recruit? Have they told you stories about how colleagues have constantly undermined them? Maybe you have a boss who excludes you from key meetings and then asks why you did not attend a meeting even though you are pretty sure you were not invited to begin with. If any of this rings true, you may be working with a gaslighter.

Gaslighters, as the name suggests, cast themselves in a positive light — friend or confidante who is here to help — but actually are manipulating or undermining others, usually from the shadows, which adds to their potential power.

Merriam-Webster named “gaslighting” the word of the year. Searches for the word on Merriam-Webster.com surged 1,740% in 2022 over the prior year, despite there not being an event that the publisher — known for its dictionaries — could point to as a cause of the spike.

It defines gaslighting as “psychological manipulation of a person usually over an extended period of time that causes the victim to question the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality, or memories and typically leads to confusion, loss of confidence and self-esteem, uncertainty of one’s emotional or mental stability, and a dependency on the perpetrator.”

The term was coined in a 1938 play, “Gas Light,” a psychological thriller set in Victorian London and written by Patrick Hamilton.

George Cukor’s 1944 film, “Gaslight,” based on the play, further popularized the term. In that film, Gregory (Charles Boyer) tries to convince his wife Paula (Ingrid Bergman) that she has lost her reason. When he turns on the lights in the attic in his search for a treasure trove of hidden jewels, the gaslight flickers in the rest of the house. He tells Paula that she is merely imagining the dimming of the lights.

‘Jerks at work’ or actual gaslighters?

The workplace is fertile ground for such behavior, given what’s at stake: money, power, status, promotion, rivalry and the intrigue that often comes with office politics. 

I’m in the business of helping people work out their conflicts at work. In fact, I dedicated a whole chapter in my book, “Jerks at Work,” to gaslighters. 

‘For gaslighters, slow and steady wins the race, and the best ones make friends with their victims first.’

What has surprised me is how wide-ranging the definition of “gaslighting” has become. Everything from “not respecting personal boundaries” to “talking so much shit about me I couldn’t get hired for two years” seems to fall under the “gaslighting” umbrella. 

What I’ve learned from my doom scrolling on social media is that the word “gaslighter” — probably the worst name to bestow on a colleague or boss — seems to refer to anyone who’s done a whole bunch of bad things to us at work, especially things that involve humiliation. 

So what really is a gaslighter, and why is it important to distinguish one from, say, a demeaning boss with a chip on their shoulder and a penchant for public shaming?

If we stick to the clinical definition, gaslighters have two signature moves: They lie with the intent of creating a false reality, and they cut off their victims socially. 

They position themselves as both savior and underminer, creating a negative and fearful atmosphere, spreading gossip and taking credit for other people’s work. They are often jealous and resentful, and aim to undercut others in order to further their own position.

In the workplace, you may also be an unwitting pawn in the gaslighting of another colleague.

You may also be an unwitting pawn in the gaslighting of another colleague. The gaslighter might try to convince you that Johnny is trying to steal your leadership role on a project, and encourage you to freeze him out in the cafeteria at lunch time, or simply be extra wary about sharing important information.

For gaslighters, slow and steady wins the race, and the best ones make friends with their victims first. For this reason, it could also be considered a form of workplace harassment.

They often flatter them, make them feel special. Others create a fear of speaking up in their victims by making their position at work seem more precarious than it is. And the lies are complex, coming at you in layers. It takes a long time to realize your status as a victim of gaslighting, and social isolation is a necessary part of this process. 

‘It takes a long time to realize your status as a victim of gaslighting, and social isolation is a necessary part of this process.’

Take smart action — no direct confrontration

There’s a difference between an annoying coworker or micromanaging boss, and a gaslighter, who lies and conspires to undermine your position. “The gaslighter doesn’t want you to improve or succeed — they’re out to sabotage you,” according to the careers website Monster.com. “They will accuse you of being confused or mistaken, or that you took something they said the wrong way because you are insecure. They might even manipulate paper trails to “prove” they are right.”

Examples cited by Monster.com: “You know you turned in a project, but the gaslighter insists you never gave it to them. You can tell someone has been in your space, moving things around, or even on your computer, but you don’t have proof. You are the only one not included in a team email or meeting invite, or intentionally kept out of the loop. Then when you don’t respond or show up, you are reprimanded.”

Knowing this, what can you do to prevent yourself from becoming a target? First, recognize that gaslighters don’t wear their strategy on their sleeve. Flattery, making you feel like you’re a part of a special club, or questioning your expertise are not things that raise gaslighting alarm bells. 

Rather than looking out for mean behavior by a boss or coworker, look out for signs of social isolation. A boss who wants to cut you off from coworkers and other leaders should raise red flags, even if the reason is that “you’re better than them.” 

Second, recognize that lie detection is a precarious — and from a scientific perspective, almost impossible — business. Don’t try to become a lie detector, instead take notes, so you can put your “gaslighter” on notice that you are wise to their tactics. You can also use the notes as evidence if you decide to later raise the situation with your human resources department. 

Here are some ways to beat the gaslighter: Send emails with “a summary of today’s meeting” so you can document the origin of ideas and make sure they don’t steal credit from you. Furthermore, document things that happened in person, and share it with your would-be gaslighter. And speak up at meetings. Don’t allow yourself to be browbeaten into submission. 

The more you document, the more difficult it will be to be victimized. But a word of warning: Don’t try to confront gaslighters — instead, go to your social network to build your reality back up. Trying to beat these folks at their own game is a losing strategy.

Any of these actions, and especially a combination done early in a professional relationship, can work wonders protecting yourself and your career. 

Tessa West is a New York University social psychology professor with a particular interest in workplace behavior, and author of “Jerks at Work: Toxic Coworkers and What to Do About Them.

Related stories:

‘We’re like rats in a cage’: Sick and tired of their jobs, American workers strive to regain their agency, their time — and their sanity

People are seeking a genuine connection with their colleagues’ — one that goes beyond ‘Hollywood Squares’ Zoom meetings. Not all workers are happy with remote work.

The backlash to quiet quitting smacks of another attempt by the ruling class to get workers back under their thumbs:’ Am I wrong?

We want to hear from readers who have stories to share about the effects of increasing costs and a changing economy. If you’d like to share your experience, write to [email protected]. Please include your name and the best way to reach you. A reporter may be in touch.

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Making the case for an underappreciated but full-of-flavor ingredient | CNN

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CNN
 — 

Among foods that spark a strong reaction, anchovies are at the top of the food chain.

Whether they’re adored or abhorred, it’s difficult to find someone who doesn’t have a strong opinion about these small silvery swimmers.

Food writer Alison Roman wants the haters to think differently. Anchovies are more versatile than most people think and deserve to be approached with an open mind, according to Roman.

She might be biased — anchovies are one of her all-time favorite foods — but she has a strategy to change cooks’ minds.

“They’re more of a condiment than an ingredient,” Roman said. “To cook with them, you don’t need to eat them whole.” She incorporates anchovies into many of her dishes in the same way that she would add garlic, herbs or other flavorful aromatics. “Most of the time when I’m eating (anchovies), I can’t even see them.”

Even if you think your taste buds will rebel if you try an anchovy, your brain and heart will be happier if you do. “Anchovies are a small but mighty fish,” said Michelle Dudash, registered dietitian, nutritionist and author of “The Low-Carb Mediterranean Cookbook.”

“They’re packed with the omega-3 fatty acids DHA and EPA, which are important for brain, cardiovascular and skin health,” she added. Anchovies are on par with salmon and tuna as one of the fish with the highest amounts of omega-3s per serving, and are a good source of protein, niacin and vitamin B12.

Following Roman’s lead of using anchovies as one of many elements in a dish instead of as the spotlight ingredient, cooks who want to incorporate anchovies into meals “can start small,” Roman suggested. “They don’t have to dump a whole jar into their salad.”

Here are three ways Roman likes to introduce anchovies to the wary but curious. Ready to change your “anchoview”? Read on.

Move over, ranch dressing — there’s another dip in town. Bagna cauda, the Italian dipping sauce made from anchovies, garlic, butter and olive oil, is traditionally served with crudités as an appetizer.

Roman loves using bagna cauda as a vehicle to introduce unsuspecting dinner guests to anchovies because it hits the taste trifecta of “salty, buttery, garlicky” flavors. “It’s mostly about garlic and vegetables,” Roman said. In addition to the traditional accompaniment of raw, crunchy vegetables, she likes to include steamed artichoke hearts and tender cooked potato slices.

Bagna cauda is also an answer to the ever-present question about anchovies: What about the bones? “They are so tiny, they mostly all melt” and dissolve into the dish when heat is applied, Roman said. “They’re not going to choke you.”

“High-quality anchovies shouldn’t have many bones,” she added, and they should not be noticeable like they would be in larger fish, such as a salmon fillet. If you happen to see many bones in your anchovies, “spring for a more expensive tin,” Roman said.

If the presence of whole anchovies resting atop a bed of romaine in a Caesar salad has been historically too much to handle, Roman’s Caesar-adjacent salad will be a refreshing revelation.

Roman likes to pair bitter greens from the chicory family, such as radicchio, with a dressing that can stand up to their strong flavors. “I put anchovies in my salads all the time,” she said, but when hidden in the dressing, they add body and nuance without overpowering any of the other ingredients with which they’re paired.

Anchovies in a dressing can add body and nuance to a salad without overpowering other ingredients.

Her preferred dressing blends finely chopped anchovies and capers with lemon, whole grain or Dijon mustard, and good quality olive oil. “It’s anchovy-heavy but more about the mustard and the garlic,” Roman explained, which she finds “meatier and saltier and more interesting” than the usual Caesar dressing.

Finally, the same strategy of dissolving the umami flavors of anchovies in a sauce comes into play when making a rich and comforting pasta. Based on the Venetian dish bigoli in salsa, in which long strands of thick bigoli pasta are tossed with slow-simmered onions and anchovies, Roman’s version can be used with any long, thin pasta.

Pasta alla puttanesca features garlic, olives, capers, tomatoes and anchovies.

Roman adds whole anchovies and chopped dried chili pepper to a skillet of sliced onions, garlic and fennel caramelized in olive oil. The whole fillets might look intimidating, but as with the bagna cauda, the anchovies melt and dissolve as the sauce simmers, leaving only a rich and meaty undertone. Finishing the dish with freshly squeezed lemon juice and parsley brightens up the intense sauce.

A free-form pasta sauce such as this lets you adjust the flavor balance based on what you like best. If you love lemon, squeeze more on. If fennel isn’t your favorite, use more onions instead. If you like it spicy? Amp it up with more chili pepper. “Gauge your own personal preferences,” Roman recommended.

When choosing a tin or jar of anchovies, Roman said to make sure the anchovies are oil-packed, salt-cured anchovy fillets, not brined, pickled or whole anchovies. The former is the most common style of jarred or canned anchovies on the market, but it always pays to double-check the label.

Second, “always try a bunch of brands. They really are all different,” Roman said. Though the ingredients in each container should be the same — anchovies, salt and olive oil — the fillets will vary in saltiness, taste and texture. “Ortiz and Cento are available nationally,” she said, and many other brands are available in brick-and-mortar and online specialty food stores.

One note on the salt-curing: “The only downside of anchovies is the sodium,” Dudash noted, since they are packed in salt during the curing process. “If you are concerned about your sodium intake or if you simply prefer less salty food, briefly rinse the anchovies and pat dry with a paper towel” before using them.

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Financial Face-off: Should you opt for a high-deductible health plan with lower monthly costs?

Hello and welcome to Financial Face-off, a MarketWatch column where we help you weigh financial decisions. Our columnist will give her verdict. Tell us whether you think she’s right in the comments. And please share your suggestions for future Financial Face-off columns by emailing our columnist at [email protected]

It’s the time of year to sign up for a new health insurance plan, either through an employer or through the government’s Health Insurance Marketplace.

The decision may feel especially fraught this year. High inflation, layoffs and a potential recession are weighing on people’s minds and finances. Americans have been tightening their budgets and may be looking for ways to save money on their health-insurance costs. One way to do that, at least in terms of upfront costs, could be to sign up for a high-deductible health plan. These plans typically have lower monthly costs (premiums), but they have higher deductibles, or, the amount of money that you have to pay out of your own pocket before the insurance kicks in to cover healthcare costs.

So is this the year to try to save some cash by signing up for a high-deductible health plan?

Why it matters

It’s no secret that healthcare is expensive in the U.S., but the language of health insurance often obscures that reality with euphemisms such as “cost-sharing,” “coinsurance,” “copay” and “deductible.” Here’s a quick translation: if you see one of those terms, just mentally replace it with a dollar sign, because it means you will be paying money.

Choosing a healthcare plan is important. Medical bills can strain a household’s finances, and healthcare debt is very common. More than half (57%) of Americans have incurred debt caused by a medical or dental expense in the last five years, according to a nationally representative survey released in June by KFF, an independent nonprofit that researches healthcare issues.

One of the survey’s more troubling findings was that even people who have health insurance fall into debt, with more than four in 10 insured adults reporting that they currently had health-related debt.

In other words, the decision about which health-insurance plan to choose can have far-reaching unintended consequences.

How much can you expect to pay for health insurance? If you get yours through your job, it depends on several factors including the size of your company and the age of its workforce. On average, workers with employer-based health insurance paid $6,106 per year toward family coverage and $1,327 for individual coverage, according to KFF. People at smaller companies typically have higher premiums and bigger deductibles.

The federal government defines a high-deductible health plan as one with a deductible of at least $1,400 for an individual and $2,800 for a family.

High-deductible health plans (HDHPs) often — but not always — come with a health savings account (HSA) where people can store money tax-free to pay for medical expenses.

‘Medical debt really can be the gift that keeps on giving.’


— Karen Pollitz, a senior fellow at KFF

HDHPs have lower premiums, but are they more affordable in the long run than traditional health plans? ValuePenguin compared HDHPs vs. traditional plans in three scenarios and found that the HDHP plan holder would end up paying more overall than the traditional plan holder if they had medical expenses of $5,000 or $10,000 in a year.

However, the HDHP holder had lower overall costs than the traditional plan holder if their medical expenses were $1,000. “But banking on such an outcome — and such low need for medical care — can be a gamble in an unpredictable world,” ValuePenguin wrote.

The verdict

If you can pay the higher monthly costs, avoid a high-deductible health plan.

My reasons

“It’s very difficult to accurately predict what your healthcare needs are going to be for the coming year. And for that reason, it’s a good idea to sign up for the most comprehensive plan option that you can afford,” said Karen Pollitz, a senior fellow at KFF. Buying the cheapest option can open you up to the possibility that something is going to happen — you’ll get hit by a car, find a lump — and then “you’re going to find out the hard way how much your plan doesn’t cover and what you’re going to owe out of pocket,” Pollitz said.

As the KFF survey found, medical debt is common even among people with health insurance, she noted. “There are lots of reasons for that, but high deductibles are one culprit,” Pollitz said.

That debt can have serious long-term consequences, including wrecking your credit score or forcing you to cut back on other household expenses including essentials like groceries, utilities, and rent. You may even get into a situation where doctors refuse to treat you if you’re not paying your bills on time, leading you to delay needed health care. “Medical debt really can be the gift that keeps on giving,” Pollitz said, referencing the ongoing negative impacts on people’s finances.

Is my verdict best for you?

On the other hand, HDHPs with health savings accounts attached to them can make good financial sense for “one group,” Pollitz said: people who are “wealthy enough to need a tax-preferred savings mechanism” and can afford to pay whatever health costs may arise. “Partners in law firms usually sign up for them, but the associates and secretaries usually would prefer not to,” she added.

Health savings accounts (HSAs) are a great way to grow wealth over time, said Eric Roberge, a certified financial planner and founder of Beyond Your Hammock, a Boston-based fee-only financial planning firm. “You get to contribute pre-tax dollars, and any growth on the money you invest within the HSA is tax-free as well,” he told MarketWatch. “If you withdraw money and use it on qualified medical expenses, that is also tax-free. It’s the only account that provides this triple tax advantage.” After age 65, you can use your HSA money for anything, not just medical expenses, but you will have to pay taxes on the withdrawals.

A high-deductible health plan with an HSA can work well if you are young, and healthy and don’t incur a lot of medical costs. But if you use medical services frequently or have a lot of high-cost prescriptions, for example, this might not be the best option, because the cost of the high-deductible health plan might not be worth the access to the HSA, Roberge noted. “For folks who can manage their healthcare bills without issue while they’re earning an income from their job and don’t usually have a lot of medical costs each year, opting for the HDHP can not only save you on premiums each year, but it also gives you a chance to grow wealth for the long-term in a highly tax-advantaged way via an HSA,” Roberge said.

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Golfer gives fans $100 to buy beers for moving out of shadows | CNN




CNN
 — 

The beers were well and truly on Pádraig Harrington on Sunday.

Surging towards an emphatic victory at the Charles Schwab Cup Championship – the PGA Tour Champions season finale – drinks were already set to flow for the Irishman, but Harrington seemed determined to start the party early.

Lining up his opening drive at the par-three 15th, the three-time major winner paused to turn to the onlooking grandstand to politely ask a group of fans to move seats.

There had been no major disturbance, the issue was simply the long shadows that the spectators had been casting over the tee.

“They’ve been sitting there, I assume all day, waiting for this,” Harrington told reporters. “I hope they were waiting for me.

“I got them to move, they still had a good view.”

As if to say thank you, Harrington proceeded to smoke a flawless approach shot onto the green, the ball rolling up within birdie-striking distance.

Flashing a grateful smile and wave towards the grandstand, the 51-year-old had one more token of appreciation to pass on. Approaching one fan at the sideline, Harrington handed over a wad of cash – to be spent specifically on beers.

In May, Justin Thomas admitted to being blown away by the eye-watering $18 price of beer at the PGA Championship in Tulsa, and it seems similar calculations were on Harrington’s mind in Arizona.

“I gave it to one guy, but it was for everybody in the area,” Harrington said.

“I actually went in with 50 and then I kind of said, ‘Probably only get a few beers for 50, I better go back with 100.’”

The good cheer continued as Harrington sealed a dominant victory three holes later, finishing seven strokes ahead of runner-up Alex Cejka of Germany.

In carding 27-under, the Irishman matched the PGA Tour Champions record score in relation to par, equaling Jack Nicklaus’ effort at the Kaulig Companies Championship in 1990.

“I didn’t realize that,” Harrington said.

“It’s nice to hold the record with Jack Nicklaus, I believe he’s done it as well. Kind of glad I didn’t beat him.”

However, the victory wasn’t enough to see Harrington crowned overall Charles Schwab Cup champion, as Steven Alker’s third-place finish clinched the New Zealander the points needed to take the title.

Harrington poses with the Charles Schwab Cup Championship trophy.

Meanwhile, Tony Finau continued his stunning 2022 journey with a similarly convincing triumph at the Houston Open.

Shooting 16-under, the American cruised to a four-shot triumph for his third PGA Tour victory of the calendar year at Memorial Park, a margin of victory that could have been even more dominant had it not been for three bogeys down the back nine.

Having ended a five-year wait for a PGA Tour win with victory at the FedEx St. Jude Championship in August 2021, the 33-year-old has now clinched four in his last 30 starts. Once labeled the ‘nearly-man’ of golf, he lifted two titles in July in the space of a week with back-to-back wins at the 3M Open and Rocket Mortgage Classic.

Finau poses with the Houston Open trophy alongside his family.

“I’ve always had belief, but confidence when you win is contagious,” Finau told reporters. “I’m starting to put together a full-package game.

“It was one of those days I fought and fought, and I made a lot of nice putts that calmed me. I’ve never been in this position. I had a lot of nerves.

“Overall, as the round went on, I felt better. I was happy to get the W today.”

Compatriot Tyson Alexander finished second on 12-under, a stroke ahead of England’s Ben Taylor, while ninth-placed Scottie Scheffler failed to register the win he needed to retake world No. 1 spot from Rory McIlroy.



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