It’s The 2024 Republican Primary, And Everyone’s A Loser!

As we keep getting further and closer to the eventual Republican presidential primary debates, we have no shortage of Republicans jumping into the already cramped clown car. Let’s take a look at the three we saw this Sunday!

Bottom Of The Barrel

We begin with Donald Trump’s former ~~loyal sycophant~~ Vice President, “Hanging” Mike Pence, on Fox News Sunday.

Host Shannon Bream began by pointing out how Pence is unable to reach the base of Republican voters (on account of the whole wanted to murder him on January 6 thing) and that he’s still in single digits in the polls. So what “bold” strategy does Pence have to get elected?

PENCE: […] I authored the first legislation to defund Planned Parenthood that had ever been authored and passed in the House of Representatives. […]

Not sure pointing out you were first in line to snatch away women’s bodily autonomy is a winning strategy with independents there, Mikey.

Bream followed up by asking further about Pence’s theocratic stance on abortion, pointing out he wants a 15-week national abortion ban (so much for “states’ rights”). Bream then read a USA Today article showing polls pointing out Pence’s (and most of the GOP’s) abortion policies are actually very, very unpopular.

BREAM: “Americans overwhelmingly oppose […] a federal law banning abortion nationwide. By 80 percent to 14 percent, those surveyed opposed the idea, including 65 percent of Republicans and 83 percent of independents.” So how do you sell this to the American public that, according to these numbers, doesn’t want a national ban?

So how did Pence react when confronted with these statistical facts?

PENCE: This weekend we are celebrating a historic victory […] when one year ago, the Supreme Court of the United States sent Roe vs. Wade to the ash heap of history. […] I couldn’t be more proud of the some 20 states that have advanced protections for the unborn and support for women facing crisis pregnancy. […] As men and women step forward for office in the Republican Party all across the country, that we speak with clarity about a commitment to the sanctity of life. That we make it clear we’ll stand on principle, but we’ll also stand with compassion. […] That’s how we are gonna win hearts and minds. […] I also think it’s a winning issue.

It’s not. She just showed him that it’s not. These people are not good at taking in new information.

Pence also supported Sen. Tommy Tuberville holding military promotions hostage over abortion policy because religious fundamentalism outweighs whatever hollow pandering “support our military” slogan that Republicans blather out.

It’s clear that Pence is just gonna keep spewing the same canned, rehearsed garbage that ensured he was a horrible talk radio host, governor of Indiana and single-term vice president. All with Pence’s trademark disingenuous smirk someone mistakenly told him was “charming” rather than smugly condescending. It will be a genuine pleasure to watch Pence’s political career truly be sent to the “ash heap of history” once and for all.

Hail Mary

Meanwhile, over on ABC’s “This Week,” former New Jersey Governor Chris Christie was continuing his Sisyphean attempt to win the Republican presidential nomination.

Host Jonathan Karl asked thorough questions regarding Russia’s almost coup, the continuing Ukraine conflict, and Christie’s differing view from Pence on abortion.

But we’re going to focus on Karl asking Christie about being booed in New Hampshire while speaking to GOP voters and criticizing Donald Trump. Karl, in light of this reception, asked if Christie thinks his message is resonating. Christie gave an answer that was very optimistic for himself.

CHRISTIE: Absolutely evidence it’s resonating, Jonathan. I’ve been in the race for less than three weeks and have already in third place in New Hampshire, only four points behind Ron DeSantis, who’s been in the race for a longer time and is supposed to be the co-front-runner. […]

Christie sure has high hopes.

But we don’t know if that’s as successful for Christie as he believes it is when Trump is beating everyone by more than 34 points and Christie’s “third place” is single digits. If anything, the latest New Hampshire poll reflects the ever-faster plummeting of DeSantis’s campaign.

After criticizing Trump’s latest incoherent speech, Christie gave a preview of what his general election strategy would be if he ever makes it that far.

CHRISTIE: This guy [Trump] lost in ’18. He lost the Senate and the White House in ’20. The House in ’18. He lost two more governorships and the Senate race in 2022. He is a three-time loser. We do not need our party to go to a fourth loss because Joe Biden, in my opinion, Jon, is an awful president. And we can’t afford to have him from age 82 to 86 in the White House or even worse have Kamala Harris assume the presidency. That’s the stakes here.

While we are here for any time people are reminded that Trump is a huge loser whose only real victory was getting elected in 2016, Christie’s critique of Biden is precisely why some in the GOP are freaking out about Trump being the nominee. They would love to run on Biden’s age, but Trump being the nominee takes that away due to his age.

Long Shot

We conclude with this week’s newest entry to the Republican presidential primary race: Former Texas Congressman Will Hurd.

Also appearing on ABC’s “This Week,” Hurd gave an interview placing himself in the very crowded “moderate” lane. Since Wonkette has written many times about how much Will Hurd sucks previously, we’ll just summarize with this tweet from Tim Miller of The Bulwark regarding Florida Sen. Rick Scott possibly entering this race.

When your candidacy’s low standing is being used to measure how badly delusional someone else’s is, maybe you shouldn’t waste everyone’s time.

We’ll save our readers’ time by not wasting more of theirs.

Have a week.

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If your parents named you “Mark Wayne” and as a nickname, you decided to just stick them two names together and just be “Markwayne,” how many brain cells you think you’d have? Four? Six? Baker’s dozen?

Watch this clip of Oklahoma Republican Senator Markwayne Mullin interviewing witnesses in today’s hearing of the Health, Education, Labor and Pensions Committee and see how many brain cells you can personally count. (You’ll note that he’s sitting next to Alabama Republican Senator Tommy Tuberville, who is officially the stupidest motherfucker in the Senate. This will not affect your counting of the brain cells.)

Because Mullin is so stupid, he wanted to know whether a children’s book about race called Our Skin should be taught in schools, or whether they should teach “Jesus Loves the Little Children.” (If you are not familiar, white racist Christians like that song because its lyrics about Jesus loving children of all colors allow them to feel like they are being accepting with THE ABSOLUTE MINIMUM effort humanly possible.)

But first he had to get mad at Bernie Sanders, the committee’s chair:

Mullin noted the committee is run by a “self-proclaimed socialist.”

“I’m not just calling you that, Chairman, you openly say that you’re a socialist in your book, Outsider in the House. The chairman says Bill Clinton is a moderate Democrat. I’m a Democrat socialist,” Mullin continued, warning a socialist has oversight of the U.S. education system.

“That’s over our education system.”

It is a testament to how deranged and yes, uneducated, modern Republican MAGA hogs are that they can’t conceive of the idea that among normal people, “socialist” isn’t an insult, merely a political philosophy. (We’d add that no man named “Markwayne” could likely serviceably explain what “socialism” is, even if the penalty for not doing so was having to carry a Bud Light around a Target while singing “I Feel Pretty.”)

Mullin pulled out the children’s book and read the terrible words in it.

MULLIN: And I’m going to read exactly what this book says. You guys might find it interesting. ‘A long time ago, way before you were born, a group of white people made up an idea called race. They sorted people by skin color and said that white people were better, smarter, prettier, and they deserved more than everybody else.’ This would be taught if we socialize our pre-K system, this would be …

SANDERS: Do you disagree with that? Findings in the book?

MULLIN: One thousand percent.

We guess he “disagrees” with the idea that white people made up race. (A group of white people invented race, and continued inventing it for several hundred years, in different contexts.)

Mullin doesn’t want to teach children that there was a time when people with white skin weren’t considered all parts of one race, we guess, even though that is an indisputable fact. He wants to teach this:

MULLIN: How about we teach ‘Jesus Loves Me’? How about, how about this? And teaching Jesus loves and loves the little children. The lyrics go ‘red and yellow, black and white. They’re all precious in our sight.’ Now, which one would you think would be better? I’ll ask everybody on the panel. Which is better to teach?”

That’s two different songs. What a stupid, stupid goddamned idiot, mixing up the preschool Jesus songs like that, stupid motherfucker.

“This, that is a story that was made up to teach our kids, three-year-olds, who have no idea what race is,” he continued, holding up the book.

Which is why you teach them things, so that they learn things. This is called “education.”

“Now all of a sudden is being taught that white people said this as a truth. Someone prove to me that this is a truth that white people developed race, that white people developed that, that all of a sudden that was our word that we developed,” Mullin continued.

Oh my fucking God.

So then Mullin started badgering each and every witness, asking should they teach that whiteness was created — which we guess is a very offensive idea to him! — or whether Jesus loves the little children. “WHICH ONE IS BETTER?” he yapped and yapped at the witnesses.

“If you don’t want to answer my question, that’s fine. Let’s move on down the panel. Which one is better to be taught? This book or the ‘Jesus Loves Me’ lyrics that say everybody’s skin doesn’t matter. They’re all precious in his sight,” Mullin continued.

“I think it’s important to teach that all children are seen and valued for who they are, and that’s…” replied another witness before Mullin cut her off.

“But why do you teach this? Don’t you think that other people are saying that white kids are to blame? It’s exactly what they’re going to teach, is exactly what it is, ma’am,” Mullin shot back.

Why is it totally normal to these people to think that if children are taught real history, little young white children will immediately be blamed and shamed? Why are they such fucking MILKTOASTS about all this?

“I disagree. First, it is important that we teach Jesus and Jesus is what we teach,” replied Cheryl Morman – President of the Virginia Alliance for Family Child Care Associations.

“So which one is better?” Mullin demanded.

Morman replied, “But reality is…”

Mullin cut her off, “Do you think this.”

“Could she answer the question, please?” Sanders then interjected.

“I don’t want reality. I’m asking the question which one is better?”

And that’s when everybody laughed at him.

“Got it on tape,” another senator could be heard saying on the microphone.

“Misspoke,” Mullin conceded.

No he didn’t.

“So what I’m saying is, which one is which? Which one is better to be taught?” Mullin demanded yet again.

“Mr. Chairman, is it this, or is it or is it the Jesus?” he continued.

Is it this, or is it the Jesus?

These are the inbred MAGA cow people who want to control your child’s education in America.

Oh my fucking God.

OPEN THREAD!

[Mediaite]

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