Navigating the Holidays When Your Adult Child Has Substance Issues

Editor’s note: The names of the parent and the son were changed at their request to protect their identity and privacy.

Dec. 28, 2022 — Lawrence McCarthy, a Texas-based doctor, is looking forward to seeing his 26-year-old son, Sam, during the holidays. Sam, who’s been living in another state and hasn’t been home for many months, has an alcohol use disorder and has also been a frequent user of marijuana. 

McCarthy, who asked that his real name not be used for this article, says that he looks forward to seeing his son, but he has a bottom line. 

“I’d prefer for him to be working his own recovery program and not using. I haven’t seen him for a long time, and I don’t know if he’s still committed to his recovery. But even if he’s using, I’m still willing to see him — as long as he doesn’t use at my house and he’s sober when he’s here.”

McCarthy arrived at this approach after extensive work in a parent recovery group, which not only gave him support but also helped him develop and adhere to boundaries. 

“I don’t know how I would have navigated this situation without the group,” he says. 

Unfortunately, many parents are navigating this difficult situation alone. A new online platform, Recovery Education and Applied Learning (REAL), has been launched to address the needs of these parents. 

“We’re a comprehensive, evidence-based online educational platform that includes a course and resources as well as access to a community where other parents of youngsters with substance abuse issues are asking the same questions,” says REAL’s Chief Medical Officer Eric Collins, MD. 

New Resource

Collins joined REAL because he knew parents needed “access to more information, support, and community as they help their adolescent and young adult child work toward recovery.”

Laurie Dhue, the chief brand officer of REAL, has been in recovery, sober from alcohol and drugs, for 16 years. Prior to her work in the recovery field, Dhue was an award-winning national news anchor who hosted shows on three major cable news networks.

Dhue was still a national news anchor when it became known that she had a substance use problem. 

“The world found out that I had an issue with alcohol and drugs and my anonymity was broken publicly,” she reports. “I thought my life was over and at first; I felt stigma and shame. But telling my story publicly was what eventually led me to leaving the news business and getting into the recovery community full-time and led me to join REAL.”

 Dhue, who is almost 54, says her substance use started in college. 

“I drank alcoholically and abused cocaine until age 37,” she says. “My drinking and drugging got worse after I left college and I drank all the time, not only during the holidays.”

In those days, “there were few resources and no internet. Parents weren’t as aware back then as they are now. But even now, parents are often in the dark and feel isolated and stigmatized. I’m sure this resource could have been very helpful to my parents if such a thing had existed.”

You Are Not Alone

The REAL platform consists of four components:

  • An 18-module course that provides education about aspects of parenting, addiction, and navigating the issues that arise
  • A library of resources that is continually updated and used in the coursework
  • A calendar of events – live weekly workshops in which parents can talk to experts, who provide answers to their questions
  • Community, which enables participants to connect with others in similar situations.

Dhue entered a 12-step sober community, Alcoholics Anonymous. 

“It saved my life. Parents will find comfort on our platform, realizing they’re not the only ones going through this, and find connection and community,” she says. 

The approaches presented on their platform are “consistent and appropriate, and anyone in the 12-step world would appreciate and recognize them,” Collins says. But the platform also uses other approaches that appeal to people who don’t necessary resonate with the 12-step approach, including evidence-based psychotherapies such as cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT).

The comprehensive platform also offers information about medications to reduce risk of overdose and to reverse overdoses. 

Pre-Holiday Conversations

“The holidays are a festive time. For people with substance use disorders, holidays can be an excuse to drink and use drugs,” Collins says. Kids coming home from college may continue their heavy alcohol or drug use, while those returning from rehab centers may meet up with former “drinking buddies.”

“Communicate your values and engage in problem solving before the holidays start, since one ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure,” he advises parents. Initiating these conversations can be challenging, but “children want those conversations, even if they act like they don’t want them.” 

The REAL course encourages parents “to rehearse the conversations with their partners before planning to have a conversation with their kids. You get better at doing things the more times you practice.” It’s a “complex process,” he warns, and kids “might get angry.” But practicing the conversations allows you to deal with their anger as well.

Setting Boundaries

McCarthy says that effective conversations come best from parents with clear boundaries. 

“Do I want to see my son? If so, do I have healthy boundaries to protect me? Am I working a program of recovery to heal my own issues and work with any difficulties that may arise before and during his visit? Do I have a power outside myself to reach out to, and am I part of a group of other parents in similar situations who are finding mental, emotional, and spiritual healing through a 12-step program like Al-Anon?”

If the answer to these questions is “yes,” that doesn’t mean it will be easy, but it’s much easier. 

“I can communicate to my son that I would really like him to come over but that he needs to be sober, respectful, and honest when he’s here,” McCarthy says. 

Boosting Your Child’s Chances of Sobriety

One question that has come up among the families in McCarthy’s recovery group is whether alcohol should be served during the holidays if the recovering child is visiting, or if there should even be alcohol in the house.

“Every family is different,” he observes. “But the most nurturing and supportive thing that I’ve found is not to have alcohol in the house when someone with substance use issues is coming over.”

This may be difficult to accomplish, especially if other guests want to bring alcohol to your meals and also involves setting boundaries. 

“Tell your guests you have an alcohol-free home and they need to respect that.”

He advises avoiding potentially “triggering topics of conversation during family get-togethers, like politics or religion, or triggering topics specific to your family that might evoke unpleasant memories or old conflicts when the recovering adolescent or young adult is around.”

If family members want to engage in these discussions, McCarthy suggests going into another room or area of the house.

If you’re part of a recovery group or REAL, don’t hesitate to reach out. This is a time when parents need to be there for each other for emotional support and practical suggestions.

Clear boundaries, open conversations, and a helpful support system can give you the best chance to have holidays that lead to family bonding and set the groundwork for ongoing healing in the future.

Resources for Parents

REAL

A subscription-based educational platform for parents and families of young adults navigating a substance use disorder starting at $49.95/month.  

Al-Anon Family Groups

A free 12-step program offering in-person and online meetings for family members affected by a loved one’s alcohol use problem.  

Families Anonymous

A free 12-step program offering in-person and online meetings for family members affected by a loved one’s alcohol use problem.  

Smart Recovery Family and Friends

Offers free online and in-person resources and meetings to help family and friends of people with alcohol and substance use disorders to cope with their loved one’s situation.  

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Pandemic fueled alcohol abuse, especially among women, but there are treatment options | CNN

Editor’s Note: In the final two episodes of “This Is Life With Lisa Ling,” the series explores alcoholism in America (at 9 p.m. ET Sunday) and interracial marriages (at 10 p.m. ET Sunday).



CNN
 — 

Brook was 34 years old when her use of alcohol escalated, a way of coping with a breast cancer diagnosis.

“I just decided I’m not gonna go through this straight,” she told Lisa Lang in an episode of “This Is Life With Lisa Ling,” airing at 9 p.m. ET Sunday on CNN.

“I would drink before I went to my chemo sessions. It became more and more of a coping mechanism,” said Brook, who did not want to use her last name.

Brook survived the bout with cancer but says she became dependent on alcohol — and the pandemic only made it worse.

“When Covid started and I was home, I started drinking more and more and more,” said Brook, now 42. “I started not being able to eat, I started throwing up more often, and then I started throwing up blood.”

She recently ended up in the hospital, diagnosed with cirrhosis of the liver and a bad bleed from ulcers, which doctors said could take her life if not quickly treated.

“When they were talking to me afterwards, they said, ‘If you keep going like this, you’ll be dead in a year,’ ” Brook told Ling.

Alcohol use disorder is defined as compulsively using alcohol despite negative consequences on relationships and one’s ability to function at work, school or in the community. Over time, excessive alcohol use may even rewire the brain, making booze as desirable as natural rewards such as food or sex, experts say.

Researchers at University of California, Los Angeles showed pictures of alcoholic drinks to people who are and are not addicted while scanning their brains. Regions of the brain associated with craving, pleasure and reward lit up significantly more in those with an alcohol use disorder.

“It’s much more of a medical and brain disease than we initially thought,” Lara Ray, a clinical psychologist who runs the UCLA Addictions Lab, told Ling.

In addition, just one pint of beer or average glass of wine a day may begin to shrink the overall volume of the brain. The brains of nondrinkers who began consuming an average of one alcohol unit a day showed the equivalent of half a year of aging, according to a study published in March.

The damage worsens as the number of daily drinks rises, the study found — drinking four alcohol units a day aged a person’s brain by more than 10 years.

Alcohol use disorder is a growing problem in the United States, which experts say has been enhanced by the pandemic, especially among women.

“Last year, I took care of two women who were in their early 20s who had cirrhosis and needed liver transplants, and I’ve never seen that before in my entire career,” Dr. James Burton, medical director of liver transplantation at the University of Colorado School of Medicine in Aurora, told Ling.

A recent study found a significant increase in alcohol-associated liver disease and a 15% higher rate of waiting lists and subsequent liver transplants between 2020 and 2021 — the greatest increase occurred in young adults.

Since the pandemic’s onset, statistics show an overall 14% increase in the number of drinking days per month, but a “41% increase in heavy drinking days among women,” Dr. Sarah Wakeman, medical director of the Substance Use Disorders Initiative at Massachusetts General Hospital, told CNN in January.

Why? Pre-pandemic mom wine culture, which “normalized and even glorified” drinking, is partly to blame, said Dr. Leena Mittal, chief of the women’s mental health division in the department of psychiatry at Brigham and Women’s Hospital in Boston.

In addition, “studies have shown the complexities of balancing home, work and caregiving responsibilities during the pandemic have fallen disproportionately on women,” Mittal said earlier.

Women are especially sensitive to the effects of alcohol, according to the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism. Alcohol-related problems appear sooner and at lower drinking levels than in men, said the institute, part of the US National Institutes of Health.

Women are more susceptible to alcohol-related brain damage and heart disease than men, and studies show women who have one drink a day increase their risk of breast cancer by 5% to 9% compared with those who abstain.

Pandemic lockdowns also forced many people to live and work from home — sometimes alone. A July study found drinking alone during adolescence and young adulthood can strongly increase the risk for alcohol abuse later in life, especially if you are a woman.

Victoria, who also did not want to use her last name, told Ling she began drinking as a teenager. Now 55, she still “can’t control it. It’s like a tension that builds up. And so then when I do drink, it’s like, ‘Ah! I’m drinking,’ you know, so it’s way too much, way too fast.”

Victoria says she continues to crave alcohol but goes regularly to support meetings for addiction recovery after moving in with her mother during the pandemic.

Binge drinking — defined as more than four drinks for women and five for men within a few hours — is on the rise. According to a study published in June, even older people who consider themselves moderate users of alcohol are downing multiple drinks in one sitting.

People who binged were about five times more likely to experience numerous alcohol problems, including injuries, emotional or psychological issues, and alcohol dependence at work or school or while caring for children, the study found.

“What this means is that an individual whose total consumption is seven drinks on Saturday night presents a greater risk profile than someone whose total consumption is a daily drink with dinner, even though their average drinking level is the same,” study coauthor Charles Holahan, professor of psychology at the University of Texas at Austin, told CNN previously.

The US Food and Drug Administration has approved only three drugs designed to reduce alcohol use since 1951: disulfiram, which causes headaches, nausea and vomiting when mixed with alcohol; acamprosate, which works on the reward centers of the brain to reduce alcohol cravings; and naltrexone, which reduces cravings and appears to help with heavy drinking.

There is help. Find it here

  • The National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism has a tool called the NIAA Alcohol Treatment Navigator that “helps adults find alcohol treatment for themselves or an adult loved one.” For teens, the institute recommends these resources.
  • The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration has a free, confidential National Helpline active 24/7/ 365 days a year to provide information and treatment referrals to local treatment facilities, support groups and community-based organizations: 800-662-HELP (4357) and 800-487-4889 (TTY option).
  • All three have significant side effects that can deter people from using them consistently.

    Researchers continue to experiment with various drugs to see if they can help cure cravings without major side effects. While not FDA-approved, the anticonvulsant drug topiramate has shown promise in some clinical trials but may affect cognition and memory. Other anticonvulsant drugs, such as zonisamide and gabapentin, and a smoking cessation drug called varenicline have shown mixed results.

    At Ray’s lab at UCLA, small clinical trials have found promising results from the neuromodulator ibudilast, which hindered cravings and reduced the odds of heavy drinking for some people by 45%.

    For Billy Flores, 45, the change happened quickly.

    “In the first two days, I was upset in the stomach, but by the third day I was on it, I was off of alcohol, which is pretty amazing I thought,” he told Ling about using ibudilast.

    Bill has struggled with alcohol but says he has found hope with a clinical trial.

    Additional studies are needed to see if the benefits hold true for larger populations.

    In the meantime, there are gold standard treatments for alcohol use disorder that don’t involve medications. Those include Alcoholics Anonymous and Self-Management and Recovery Training 12-step programs, cognitive behavioral treatments and mindfulness-based approaches.

    A large 2006 clinical trial found behavioral interventions can be as effective as drugs — in fact, most of the medication clinical trials done to date have also included some form of social or behavioral treatment in combination with drugs.

    Having support is critical to keeping a positive mindset that will ultimately win the battle with alcohol, experts say.

    Brook agrees.

    “When I was doing my therapy intake for rehab, one of the questions was, ‘What made you decide to do this?’ And I said, ‘I’m better than this,’ ” she told Ling.

    “I still like to think that even with the relapses, I’m gonna still be that person who gets right back up and tries again.”

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