“Log kya kahenge?” (What will people say?) How many times have we all heard this statement and been made to think of ‘log’ before making a decision or doing things that do not align with the way society thinks?
While watching ‘Women of my Billion,’ produced by Priyanka Chopra, a documentary in which Srishti Bakshi walks 3800 kilometers over 230 days, from Kanyakumari to Kashmir, to raise awareness of women’s struggles, learn, and share their stories, I found myself feeling a mix of emotions—tempered, triggered, helpless, and ultimately hopeful by the end. She walks to challenge gender roles, talk about sexual assault, domestic violence and eventually bring about change.
The one thing that hits you is women facing gender violence is not specific to a city, a village – rural or urban. It is a gender issue, across India and this documentary is proof of that.
After 15 odd minutes, I switched off the documentary. I could not watch it. While it triggered me, it also broke me. I went back it later that night and watched for another 30 mins and went back to it the next morning.
The documentary addresses the importance of education, and the pressure women are brought up with to get married. One would think this is limited to rural areas, but that is far from true. Growing up, I remember my father wanting to get me married by the time I turned 18 years of age. I had to fight it. I stayed home for a year post my 12th because ‘it was time’ to get married, but there was no way I was going to let that happen. So, I fought.
I found support in a few people in my family who stood by me, and I was ‘allowed’ to study further. The operative word here is ‘allowed’ to. Would a boy need permission to study? Why does a woman? To grow up being told it’s important to get married, have a child, and serve your family, and that’s your duty. How can a woman think she can do more? Limiting her choices before she can even learn she has one.
It’s time that even families living in cities are educated about gender equity. It’s not something taught in schools but learnt from the society we live in. I know many friends who were married off after the 12th grade, I don’t know if it was something they wanted to do but I do know it’s something they had to do.
A friend from school, who is in an unhappy marriage and has two grown up kids, can not leave her cheating husband because she is not financially independent and her parents won’t take her back. Kyon? Ghar ki izzat ka kya? (Why? What about the honour of our house?) I wish parents instead think of their child’s happiness than making a society happy.
A still from WOMB.
The documentary says, ‘Gender differentiation starts from home.’ It absolutely does. A boy is told that he’s going to grow up, work, make money, and be a provider (that societal pressure is for another day), and the girl is told to learn how to cook; otherwise, what will her in-laws say? As parents, who we trust, who we believe have our best interests at heart, teach us women, that our life value is dependent on making that great cup of tea, getting married, and bearing children. Everything else is secondary.
We, the privileged ones, have had the chance to fight this, but what about the girls who aren’t given any agency? We need to educate them that they have the right to choose their path; we need to educate their parents that a woman’s life is not tied to a man and a man’s alone. This needs to be told not just to the women, but the men too. It’s more important that they learn, so they can stop this cycle of not giving a girl a choice.
A still from Women Of My Billion.
The documentary through Neha, who is a part of the documentary, touched upon marital rape. She is not from rural India but from a metropolitan city. A conversation that has only recently been had. Many women didn’t even know that this existed. Women are told it’s their ‘duty’ to have sex with their husband, whether you are happy in the relationship or not, whether you love him or not. You don’t feel connected to him? How is that even a reason to not do your ‘duty’ as a wife? If you don’t, he will step out of the marriage. Your husband forced himself on you? How is that rape? He is your husband. I have heard more than enough stories from people I know, and it’s heartbreaking to see them feel violated and not understood by their people. I wish this changes. People need to listen to women when they set boundaries and women need to recognise that it’s not their ‘duty’ and they deserve to make choices about their own bodies
As the documentary progressed we hear a story of a young girl being raped and burnt alive. We hear a woman talk about being touched inappropriately by her tuition teacher and not knowing how to tell her parents. Most women I know have been touched inappropriately, by a known or an unknown person. Not many talk about it because they are made to feel ashamed, as if the fault is theirs. Will people believe them?
Very recently while crossing the road, on a busy street in Bandra, Mumbai a man put his hand out of the rickshaw and touched me inappropriately. As luck would have it ( for me), traffic slowed down and ran behind and slapped him. Today, at the age of 40 I can do this, but that 14-year-old girl, who was made to feel uncomfortable by a close friend’s father or surrounded by a group of men at the age of 16 and touched, said nothing.
A still from Women Of My Billion.
Millions of women are subjected to domestic violence. Many silently. I have seen it happen to the people closest to me and watch them endure it and stay in those marriages and relationships. It’s heart wrenching. The documentary sheds light on 99.1% of cases of gender violence go unreported. Read that number again. Why do they not report it or stay in relationships that aren’t safe?
The documentary begins with a woman being beaten up by her husband and then we are told she files a police complaint. By the end of the documentary we learn that she withdraws the complaint and continues to live with her abusive partner. Reason? I don’t know the real reason but I can think of many. Financial dependency, societal pressure, being told ‘these things happen’, the fear of being alone. As a society we need to empower women and give them agency from a young age to ensure they don’t let anyone make them feel these things are ‘normal’. It is not.
During the course of the documentary, Srishti does an exercise with women she meets where she asks them to close their eyes and imagine themselves as an 11-year-old girl, playing with her friend and then being called home by parents. Once she reaches home she hears her parents talking about her marriage, dowry and what will happen if they don’t have enough money. She then asks the girl to go to to a safe place in her house and then hear her friend calling her again. We see women weeping, thinking of that little girl who wish she had done more for herself. Say sorry to that little girl for not achieving all that she wanted. You can feel their pain, like your own.
A still from Women Of My Billion.
When I wanted to file for a divorce people told me, ‘make it work. You have a 3-year- old,’ ‘don’t do this, its not easy,’ ‘you know what a broken home does to kids’. Yes, I do. I have lived it. It’s not a broken home though, it’s a home that was built with courage, fear, tears and then fixed. Fixed so that we felt safe, we didn’t live in fear of the man, my mother didn’t have to suffer and lose herself everyday. Growing up in a less-than-ideal family environment has a lifelong effect on a child. We lived that till the age of 26 and then it was only post 36 that we realised what it did to us and started to work on it.
The scars of unhealthy relationships, the thought that you aren’t worthy enough so if someone treats you better than what you have seen around you that is good enough; the list is endless. The scars take a lifetime to live with and understand. We took the decision to go our separate ways, because two unhappy people can’t give a safe and happy environment in this ‘unbroken’ home. I wish more women get the support from the get go when they want to leave an unhappy marriage and not questioned or told, “What will you do?” Our lives and our purpose are not limited to the men in our lives. We are more.
Women of my Billion is a documentary that everyone should watch, men especially. It’s what we have known and have seen for centuries- gender violence. This walk, like Srishiti’s, feels exhausting – mentally and physically, but it’s a walk we need to take. Every step counts. We, as women, need to stand up for ourselves, families need to bring their children up with agency, give them a choice, support them. The finish line might seem far out of reach, but the fact is that it exists, let’s walk.
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