Trying not to mess up your kids when you’ve had an eating disorder

Angela Barnett is a writer, mother, and body image activist who loves cake.

COMMENT: In my early 20s, my friends and I would meet in the same cafe for lunch and they would watch me eat endless Caesar salads, observing me count out all the croutons, quietly in my head, thinking they hadn’t noticed. They had. Occasionally one would try to steal a crouton, to see my reaction. It never went well.

Unless it was a day when I wasn’t eating croutons. Then I was surprisingly generous.

Such was the busy mind of a person with an eating disorder.

READ MORE:
* ‘Smiles on the outside, shame on the inside’: Living with bulimia
* Escaping diet culture: My relationship with body image is healthy yet complicated
* How to raise body-positive kids in a world of selfies and social media

Fast forward 15 years and I’m sitting around the dining room table and I don’t want to eat the lasagne, steaming in front of my family. My partner made it and I know it will be delicious but I’m having a day where I don’t want the cheesy mincey pasta. I look at my young children as my partner spoons some onto my plate.

‘I’ll just pretend’ I tell myself, I’ll get up and do something. ‘Maybe I’ll only eat the mince’.

“Why aren’t you eating Mummy?”

Such a simple question. Suddenly all eyes are on me. Why aren’t I eating?

Because your mother used to be a screwball!

Because your mother used to be afraid of pasta!

Because your mother used to accidentally eat not just one but two bowls, then throw it up so sometimes she is shushing her old binge monster and it takes concentration.

I know it is ridiculous to be afraid of pasta as it can’t bite me. If anything the pasta should be afraid of me. So in that moment and all the moments after I knew I needed to eat the lasagne, the burger, the hot chips, the nachos. Because I don’t want my kids to learn that food is something to fear.

When you’ve been disordered, addicted or any other experience that comes with shame you have two fears when you have children. The first is that you have passed on your genes to them and they too will be messed up (Professor Cynthia Bulik is doing important research into the genetics of eating disorders, and children who have a parent who experienced an ED are at greater risk).

The second fear is that your children will see glimpses of your disordered thinking and will know you are just another flawed person and not the adult or parent you’re pretending to be.

But these fears are only mine. My family doesn’t have them. And the beautiful thing I have discovered is that my partner and children have helped me heal, even though most of the time they have no idea they’re doing it.

For instance, to keep my demon thoughts at bay I like to walk most days, like a dog, as exercise obsession is a common companion of an ED. Walking’s beneficial for my physical and mental health so it’s not an unhealthy habit but if I don’t get out then I spend the day plotting how I could, which drives me, and sometimes my family, bonkers.

But, like the pasta, having kids forced me to relax on this. Most days I do but some days I don’t. It’s OK. Nothing falls apart.

They have taught me to be in the moment, to get out of my head, and forget about my rules and demands. They have taught me to hang out inside my body more, to feel mud between my toes, and even notice I have toes.

They have also taught me to share my croutons because there’s no stopping a three-year-old when they want one of what’s on your plate.

Instead of tips – every child and family are different – I prefer to share questions because nobody has all the answers. The five ‘e’s’.

Embody

Can you exist peacefully in your own body in some way? This might be floating in some water, being barefoot on grass, or swaying like a Queen or King to a track you love. If you can demonstrate some peace and acceptance with your body – it doesn’t have to be cartwheeling BOPO or pretending to love all the parts – then your kids learn to be inside their bodies. Emma Wright, who has a book coming out next year on Raising Body Confident Kids, suggests a nightly gratitude routine asking kids to notice what their bodies did that day… ‘My feet got me off the bus’. This episode from Glennon Doyle about being inside your body is excellent.

Empathy

Can you not criticise bodies? I’ve interviewed lots of people struggling with body image and eating disorders (including Glennon) and so often it starts with one comment from someone when they were young. Can you not judge or comment on fat bodies – young kids (girls in particular) have expressed a greater fear of being fat than having cancer. Genevieve Mora, who also has a book coming out soon, Bite Me, says ‘never comment on appearance unless it’s something you can change in five seconds’ – like spinach in your teeth. Not commenting on appearance goes for social media too.

Eat

Can you focus on the fun aspects of food? Can you have family dinners together often? Can you talk about how things taste? Can you talk about food as nourishment for the body and brain and not as a means to change body size? Food is not the enemy, our culture around dieting, judgement of different body sizes, and ideal body types is. It’s important kids learn to trust their own bodies and food. Children who are put on diets are at greater risk of developing an ED, or setting up a lifetime of dieting. The podcast, Maintenance Phase, busts myths like this one on sugar causing hyperactivity at kids’ parties.

Embrace

Can you show that emotions and hard times come and go? This might seem odd but eating disorders, in the end, are not about food, they are about control – controlling the uncontrollable. That’s why numbers skyrocketed with all the uncertainty surrounding the pandemic. Restricting, controlling, bingeing, purging food becomes a means to manage uncomfortable feelings. It’s important to learn how to express emotions and understand that hard feelings, like everything, pass. Brené Brown’s latest book, Atlas of the Heart, provides language to express emotions. Or get The Kids Will be Alright by mother/daughter duo Robyn and Molly Fausett.

Educate

Can you teach kids about the judgement on bodies and how marketing/capitalism/colonisation is designed to make certain bodies feel bad so we spend money trying to ‘fix’ our bodies? Once kids start taking selfies (for any of the socials, Snapchat is huge with Years 7-11) they’re learning to objectify their body, to view it as something to look at rather than exist inside. Tell them, often, their body is not an ornament, it’s an instrument to enjoy life with. Listen to Lizzo. If somebody is teasing them about their appearance find something in your whakapapa that explains it – ‘your great grandmother had this nose, or mighty hands’. Give them stories that help them connect to their body. Read and follow everything from the visionary Sonya Renee Taylor.

Where to get help

If you’re concerned your child may be developing an unhealthy relationship with food, weight or their body check out the Feed Your Instinct (FYI) interactive tool https://feedyourinstinct.com.au/

If you think you or your child has an eating disorder contact your GP as soon as possible. You can find out about them here. Your GP will be able to refer you to the appropriate service, and treatment will follow from there.

If you’re very concerned, call the Community Mental Health Services crisis line for immediate assistance. Crisis 24-Hour Answer Services – 0800 800 717

For those supporting someone, EDANZ has great resources and support for carershttps://www.ed.org.nz/ or call their helpline 0800 2 EDANZ / 0800 2 33269.

Regional Eating Disorder Services are listed here.