All the headlines right now about Jim Jordan’s House Un-American Dumpster Clown Committee are that Jim Jordan is a failure and he should feel bad. He’s literally doing interviews so he can swear up and down that he’s not a failure. After the first loser hearing, Fox News’s Jesse Watters was having meltdowns because he really thought he was going to get bombshells, and there were no bombshells.
And wait, didn’t Jim Jordan just get caught … LOL OMG … paying his whistleblowers? Aren’t they all paste-snorting bananapants weirdos who still haven’t managed to blow any whistles?
This is what happens when you get a coach to teach a real class.
But maybe he’ll turn it around with today’s hearing, because today it is Matt Taibbi and TWITTTRURRR FILES!
Wait what?
It’s Matt Taibbi and the TWURRRRRIRTUR FILRES!
What what?
Matt Taibbi! He’s going to say the TWTTITIITIIIIITIITRUR FLIRES!
But wait, weren’t those an entire waste of time, a futile exercise that revealed absolutely nothing of any value, unless you think it is “of value” to watch a formerly respected journalist give Elon Musk a big handy in public?
Yes.
TWIRRTTRRRTUR FFRRRRRILES!
If Jim Jordan is going to fail, we’re gonna be the ones pointing and laughing at him in real time. Let’s liveblog!
10:07: By the way, Jim Jordan is out there bragging that this IS NOT JUST A RIGHT-WING MASTURBATION CHAMBER, because his first hearing had known liberal Tulsi Gabbard. Just so you know how much Jim Jordan understands who is a liberal and who is a pro-Russian clown stooge.
Also we should note that hardly any news organizations are carrying this live, not even on YouTube.
BUT WONIKETTE IS HERE.
10:10: Jim Jordan is mad because the FBI warned Twitter that there might be a hack-and-leak operation about Hunter Biden before the 2020 election but then there wasn’t one. How did the FBI know this? Was it because they had Hunter Biden’s …
cat laptop GIFGiphy
WELL WAS IT?
Jim Jordan is also very mad that the FBI briefed people like GOP Senator Ron Johnson and told them they were being used for a Russian active measures campaign to fuck with the 2020 election. There is no evidence Russia was not doing that, despite how Jim Jordan will lie and say there is.
He is just babbling, like he always is.
Did we mention no news organizations are even covering this, even on YouTube? OK fine Fox News has it live, but we said news organizations.
10:15: Democratic ranking member Stacey Plaskett is noting that some new info has released info in the last 20 minutes or so that hasn’t been given to the Democrats.
Then begins her opening statement. She’s talking about how the first hearing was such a flaming turd that revealed nothing, and that hearing had actual Twitter executives. “The Republicans have brought in two of Elon Musk’s public scribes” today, she says, because Republicans think these morons are going to tell a story that will help them.
LOL Plaskett is just being openly mean to Republicans.
10:19: PLASKETT: “There’s something going on between congressional Republicans and Elon Musk.”
Now she’s questioning all the foreign sources that blew money up Elon’s butthole to allow him to buy Twitter and asking if those foreign sources have access to Twitter users’ private information.
10:22: Plaskett is playing video of former Twitter exec Yoel Roth explaining all the horrible harassment and threats and danger Elon’s and Matt Taibbi hate campaign have caused to him and others. Some Republican pig is mad and accusing Plaskett of impugning the integrity of the witnesses.
Oh damn, Plaskett and Jim Jordan are just openly yelling at each other.
Also Jim Jordan just protested that Matt Taibbi is a Democrat, therefore this isn’t a right-wing smear job lololol.
Yep, Tulsi Gabbard and Matt Taibbi! Those people that real Democrats respect!
The other babbling Elon idiot Michael Shellenberger is babbling now, about “censorship.” Then Taibbi will babble.
10:30: Sooooooo hilarious.
10:32: We think this Shellenberger nerd is saying the government is censoring people for being wrong on the internet. Mat
10:33: Matt Taibbi is mad Stephanie Plaskett called him a “so-called journalist.”
Hey you guys remember when he was a respected journalist? Honestly we cannot remember it. We know it happened and that during some decade of our life we read his articles and he was smart, but it’s fading away, like memories do.
Anyway, he just talked about Bari Weiss joining his TWITTTTTUR FILES journalism project, that is what Matt Taibbi is talking about in 2023.
10:36: Matt Taibbi seems to be mad that government organizations were allowed to submit moderation requests to tech companies. He says this is “digital McCarthyism” and that this is bad because he grew up a “traditional ACLU liberal.”
So much babbling.
10:40: Mike Johnson is a very stupid Republican congressman from Louisiana and he says that “documents” show that Twitter was basically a “subsidiary” of the FBI and that they worked together for their left-wing Twitter/FBI agenda.
LOL.
10:42: JOHNSON: Matt Taibbi is the best journalist ever. Is Twitter Files your favorite of all your journalism?
TAIBBI: It is more important than the financial crisis!
Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
10:45: The Shellenberger nerd says fighting against “domestic misinformation” is INHERENTLY tantamount to totalitarian censorship of opinions. This is an idiot take.
10:47: Democratic Rep. Stephen Lynch notes that literally everyone — the Senate Intelligence Committee, which was led by Republicans at the time, the Mueller Report, all intelligence agencies — agrees that Russia attacked the 2016 election. Does Matt Taibbi agree? No he does not, but he wants to babble a bunch of conspiracy theories to qualify his answer. Lynch is like fuck you.
Matt Taibbi is mad because he says the stuff the Russians hacked and released was TRUE! You can’t censor the Russians if they want to say true things!
LOL what a fucking clown.
Also Lynch notes that the very Russian oligarch who ran the social media influence campaign in 2016 also runs the Wagner group, the mercenaries massacring people in Ukraine right now.
10:52: Here’s Taibbi’s apologetics for Russia:
10:56: Darrell Issa questioned for five minutes but it was boring.
Debbie Wasserman Schultz just asked if journalists should avoid being spoonfed cherrypicked bullshit with predetermined conclusions. Matt Taibbi is not sure.
She’s calling him Elon’s “handpicked journalist” and saying that’s an oxymoron and quoting things he said on Joe Rogan about literally eveyrthing he’s doing now goes against everything he used to say. She’s explaining how he’s just creating right-wing conspiracy bullshit and profiting off it.
“Don’t interrupt me,” she said.
“Attention is a powerful drug,” she said.
“Hypocrisy is the hangover of an addiction to attention,” she said.
Wasserman Schultz is just pants-ing Taibbi over and over and over again here.
11:01: Dan Bishop, a very stupid congressman from North Carolina, is giving Matt Taibbi a chance to explain why Debbie Wasserman Schultz is wrong and mean and he is a real journalist. He has to re-explain every five minutes that he is a real journalist, like real journalists always have to do.
11:08: What we’re noticing is that when Republicans and Taibbi start tickling each other’s undersides, they just babble words that would make NO SENSE to anybody watching if they just came across it.
Democrat Gerry Connolly is curious if Matt Taibbi has noticed that the Trump White House also bothered Twtter a whole lot with moderation requests, like fucking constantly. The Shellenberger nerd has not seen that!
You know, like when Chrissy Teigen called Trump a “pussy ass bitch” and Trump was so apoplectic for days that they begged Twitter to take it down. Matt Taibbi has seen that. He says he saw one from Adam Schiff and one from Angus King.
Gerry Connolly says “Nice try.”
Here’s Debbie Wasserman Schultz beating the shit out of Taibbi over and over again from earlier:
11:13: Matt Taibbi is explaining to Gerry Connolly the purpose of Jim Jordan’s clown committee, and how it is not even to expose bias against conservatives at all!
Jim Jordan is now taking five extra minutes for himself because he wants to.
11:17: Jim Jordan’s latest incoherent conspiracy theory is about the FTC. It is his latest big scoop that will go nowhere.
Also Jim Jordan says Matt Taibbi is brave to show up today because the federal government’s got its eye on him. LOL.
11:19: Now Plaskett takes some time for herself. The Shellenberger nerd says Elon gave them so many emails that it’s not even possible they didn’t give them all the emails they had. Because that makes logical sense. “If you get bunches of emails from Twitter, that’s too many emails for them to take some out!”
Plaskett is asking these idiots about their conversations with Elon Musk and Jim Jordan just interrupted to accuse Plaskett of trying to get them to expose their sources.
12:24: That’s for damn sure. Both the videos right here.
Plaskett also is not hiding her disdain for Matt Taibbi.
Now we are going to go to the clownfuck Harriet Hageman who replaced Liz Cheney. But first Plaskett and Jim Jordan are going to have a fight because Jordan AGAIN is accusing Plaskett of demanding Taibbi’s sources.
11:26: This is the clownfuck who replaced Liz Cheney.
LIZ CHENEY: I will protect democracy from fascist presidents who try to overthrow the government and incite terrorist attacks against America, even when they are part of my own party
HARRIET HAGEMAN: Twittttttturrrrrrrr filllllles!!!!1!!111111!!!!
11:30: Taibbi thinks the government can’t even get involved in going after disinformation. This is a childish belief that fails to even try to grasp the realities of the world we live in.
Hageman just referred to Jim Baker as “allegedly a former FBI employee.” You know, ALLEGEDLY.
11:33: Rep. John Garamendi is reading studies that show that ACTUALLY Twitter’s algorithms over-promote conservatives and over-weight conservatives. His thesis is that Taibbi is a fucking clown, but he’s saying it quietly and slowly, even when he tells Taibbi to shut the fuck up.
11:35: GARAMENDI: Is banning QAnon accounts BAD?
Also he is taking the opportunity to note that Fox News is currently being exposed for actively and willingly lie to its viewers about the 2020 election, and about Trump inciting the terrorist attack of January 6. Because sure why not? It’s not like anything important is happening in this hearing.
11:38: Here comes weird thin-lipped Utah Republican Chris Stewart. He is accusing the FBI of laundering its censorship banning through Twitter. Which is … OK, cool. These people are just hallucinating. Literally delusional.
The Shellenberger nerd accuses the White House of demanding Twitter take down factual information. Is he talking about when Chrissy Teigen called Trump a pussy ass bitch?
Because the thing with Hunter Biden’s penis pictures came from the Biden campaign. And it was nonconsensual nudes.
11:42: While Matt Taibbi babbles words that don’t matter to anybody who matters, let’s talk about why none of these idiots can ever find a suit jacket that fits them.
Finally, it is time for a Democrats to beat the shit out of them again. It is Sylvia Garcia from Texas.
She asks when Elon Musk snuck up Taibbi’s butt and started begging him to be his journalistic scribe. Taibbi says this is REVEAL SOURCES! So Elon is your source? MATT TAIBBI DIDN’T SAY THAT!
11:46: Now Sylvia Garcia is like “what even is Substack?”
The Shellenberger nerd is not going to “reveal his sources” by saying when he first talked to Elon Musk. He is a journalist who knows about journalism like Matt Taibbi knows about it.
GARCIA: Also who is Bari Weiss?
SHELLENBERGER/TAIBBI: She is a journalist!
GARCIA: Are you boys in a threesome with Bari Weiss?
The word “journalist” is doing such hard work today.
11:52: Now it is time for the Shellenberger nerd to explain why it’s wrong to tell people if Russian disinformation is Russian disinformation, because he is a journalist. This is about Hunter Biden’s penis obviously.
11:56: Rep. Colin Allred asks Taibbi to read Kanye’s anti-Semite tweets. He won’t do it because his eyes are bad, he says. Was it right to take those “death-con 3 tweets” about Jews from Kanye down?
Matt Taibbi just does not know.
What about tweets with the N-word?
Matt Taibbi says hate speech is protected in America!
And as we all know, the First Amendment definitely applies to private companies.
Allred just said Taibbi is making up conspiracy theories to discredit the facts of Russian attacks on our elections. Taibbi mutters in his own defense.
TAIBBI: Can i ask a question?
ALLRED: No you don’t get to ask questions.
ALSO ALLRED: Take off your tinfoil hat.
Tells the story of Russian attacks on HIS OWN ELECTION.
Little men like Matt Taibbi shouldn’t fuck with people like Colin Allred.
Anyway, now it is time for weird Kentucky Republican prepper weenus Thomas Massie, to say some COVID vaccine conspiracy theories.
12:06: Massie isjust very upset that Twitter said his anti-vaxx tweets were lies. Matt Taibbi agrees that some truths about vaccine side effects have been censored. The Shellenberger nerd doesn’t like labels being put on tweets because they “discredit” the person who put out the lie tweet. “The First Amendment protects our right to lie!” He said that.
12:09: Time for hot impeachment lawyer Dan Goldman to beat the shit out of everybody.
12:10: GOLDMAN: Did you know Rudy Giuliani was the only source of the laptop? Did you know he was hanging out with Russian agents constantly? Did you knokw they were the same Russian agents who were up Ron Johnson’s ass? Did you know the FBI had nothing to do with pausing the dissemination of the New York Post’s laptop story? Did you know even Fox News thought the laptop story was sketch?
Did you know the laptop the FBI had was different from the hard drive Giuliani gave the New York Post? Did you know the analysis of the hard drive found it HAD been altered? Do you get that it had been tampered with?
Did you know the New York Post’s FIRST SENTENCE OF ITS LAPTOP STORY ABOUT HUNTER BIDEN’S PENIS was wrong?
12:15: Haha Matt Gaetz thinks he is qualified to follow that.
Here’s some Dan Goldman video:
He is too good at this.
Meanwhile, Matt Taibbi is worried that the Twitter Files are a canary in the coal mine for worse things. What? Who even knows.
Goldman is back!
GOLDMAN: My turn again. I understand why y’all might not like that it’s my turn again.
GOLDMAN: Do you agree with Mueller’s indictments?
TAIBBI: durr durr durr durr durr.
GOLDMAN: Do you think it’s legitimate for the FBI to try to stop foreign intervention in our elections?
TAIBBI: Can I answer the question?
GOLDMAN: IT’S A YES OR NO QUESTION!
TAIBBI: No it’s not, I have opinions! I have Twitter Files!
GOLDMAN: Hey other nerd, did the FBI ever order Twitter to take things down?
OTHER NERD: Yes! When they flagged things! That’s an order!
GOLDMAN: No it’s not. You fucking idiot.
Goldman is just killing it.
Hey, who wants to hear from craven hack Elise Stefanik? Long time ago people thought she might have a soul.
12:33: Stefanik asks the idiots how they’ve been targeted ever since TWITTTRUR FILES.
They got nothin’. Other nerd didn’t go viral on Facebook or something. We imagine this is whataboutism to distract from how Elon’s campaign against former Twitter employees has put them in danger.
Now it is time for true asshole Florida Rep. Kat Cammack. We are sure she will say something important, because she’s a Republican on this committee.
12:37: Now we are back to babbling about things that would make no sense to literally anyone who just happened to come across it.
Cammack just said “experimental vaccine,” drink!
And here’s some more Dan Goldman to finish you up!
And that’s it. Jim Jordan’s latest failed hearing has come to a close. And nothing of value was gained.
But Democrats kicked a lot of hilarious ass. We didn’t think Matt Taibbi could be any less credible than he was three hours ago, but he did it.
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