George Santos, the Republican congressman with the integrity, isn’t leaving Congress today. At least, he isn’t planning to. We guess it’s possible he could look at Markwayne Mullin funny and Markwayne could buck out his teeth like a rabid chipmunk and flare his nostrils and the rage would take over and Markwayne would chase George out of the Capitol and they’d have the “Family Guy” chicken fight through the whole town.
But once the House Ethics Committee released its long-awaited report on Santos’s ethics this morning, he quickly announced he would not be seeking re-election.
Before we get into any of the details, Santos wrote a one-million-word screed on Twitter in response, which begins, “If there was a single ounce of ETHICS in the ‘Ethics committee’, they would have not released this biased report.” It goes on to say just kidding we don’t know what it says we didn’t read it.
He spent campaign funds on OnlyFans.
That’s hardly the worst thing in the report, but it ain’t softly the worst thing either, if you know what we mean and we think you do, #bonerjoke.
He also spent campaign funds on Hermès. And Sephora. And Botox.
Why are you discriminating against George Santos by laughing right now? Guess you’re just bigoted against pathological liars who lie about literally everything in their entire lives and are currently indicted for wire fraud, money laundering, identity theft, false statements, obstruction, God, we can’t even remember what else.
So yes. OnlyFans. It’s been a really cool week for Republicans in Congress, yeah?
“The evidence uncovered by the Investigative Subcommittee (ISC) revealed that Representative George Santos cannot be trusted,” the report stated. “At nearly every opportunity, he placed his desire for private gain above his duty to uphold the Constitution, federal law, and ethical principles.”
LMAO.
The report summarizing the committee’s findings is a jolly read, only three pages of substance, you can do it on the potty. The committee finds “substantial evidence that Representative George Santos: knowingly caused his campaign committee to file false or incomplete reports with the Federal Election Commission; used campaign funds for personal purposes; engaged in fraudulent conduct in connection with RedStone Strategies LLC; and engaged in knowing and willful violations of the Ethics in Government Act as it relates to his Financial Disclosure (FD) Statements filed with the House.”
They’ve referred these matters to DOJ. (Though they notably did not call for him to be chased out of the House by Markwayne Mullin or anyone else, or that he be disciplined.)
The summary states that:
Representative Santos sought to fraudulently exploit every aspect of his House candidacy for his own personal financial profit.
He blatantly stole from his campaign.
He deceived donors into providing what they thought were contributions to his campaign but were in fact payments for his personal benefit.
And more! And he kept it all going by LIES. Just lies on top of other lies on top of other lies.
The full Investigative Subcommittee (ISC) report adopted by the committee gets into the deep dark details. It explains Santos’s indictments. It explains his backstory, as the grandson of Holocaust survivors who went to Baruch College and NYU and worked at Citi and Goldman, whose mom died in 9/11, and how literally all of that is a lie invented by George Santos.
He was always broke and robbing Peter to pay Paul, or whatever his favorite naked OnlyFans guys are called. He had atrocious credit as a result.
So much Botox. It wasn’t just one time. Like so:
For example, during the 2020 campaign, a $1,500 purchase on the campaign debit card was made at Mirza Aesthetics; this expense was not reported to the FEC and was noted as “Botox” in expense spreadsheets produced to the ISC by Ms. Marks.114 Similarly, the $1,400 charge at Virtual Skin Spa was a campaign debit card purchase that was also described as “Botox” in the spreadsheets produced by Ms. Marks.115 The ISC also identified an unreported PayPal payment of $1,029.30 to an esthetician associated with a spa in Rhinebeck, New York.
Good. Heavens.
Here is the graf about OnlyFans and Hermès and Sephora:
After the $50,000 from RedStone was deposited into Representative Santos’ personal accounts, the funds were used to, among other things: pay down personal credit card bills and other debt; make a $4,127.80 purchase at Hermes; and for smaller purchases at OnlyFans; Sephora; and for meals and for parking.
Well, masturbation isn’t free.
Wait yes it is.
Vacations in the Hamptons, hotels in Vegas, it’s all there. There’s plenty more to nerd out on in the report, if you like getting into the drier aspects of campaign finance violations and other frauds.
Obviously Democrats want this bastard gone, but Santos’s fellow freshman New York Republicans Marc Molinaro and Nick LaLota also have been wanting this bastard gone, both before and after the release of this report. They tried to get him kicked out of the House last month, but House Republicans don’t have the human decency to clean up their own fucking house, so they voted it down. (Some Democrats helped, for reasons of “due process” and also presumably so they could continue pointing at him as the kind of psychotic grifter the rest of the Republicans also are, except he got caught.)
“George Santos is a total fraud who stole an election to get to Congress. Now, his election should be invalidated by the House using its Constitutional expulsion powers,” LaLota told Politico reporter Olivia Beavers.
So will House Republicans do something now? Will they expel him before he has a chance to just casually not run for re-election next year?
Well, we are not a psychic, but we are guessing Clay Higgins is busy chasing ghost buses around the Capitol and James Comer is calling people Smurfs and Marjorie Taylor Greene’s brain is buffering as she tries to understand how the US government works and Mike Johnson is trying to figure out how to visit Boobyknockers.com without his teenage son getting a screaming alarm on his phone to inform him that his dad has an erection.
So we are guessing no.
[Santos report / full ISC report / The New Republic]
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