If there’s two things people are always saying about House Oversight Committee Chair GOP Rep. James Comer, they are 1) Boy, that guy has the goods on Hunter Biden, and 2) Has anybody ever said you look like Matt Rife? Intercourse me at once!
That’s right, some people see his notable brains, and some people see his notable sex stallion hotness — and some, we are sure, see both. He definitely doesn’t look and sound like a Deliverance banjo somebody is in the process of smashing up against some rocks. And everybody knows a square jaw is just that much hotter if it corresponds with two uneven rhombus corners at the top of the head.
Resting “just did a shit” face? So in this season.
Uh, anyway, Jamie seems upset people are makin’ funna his dumbass Hunter Biden investigation AGAIN. (He delivered another bomb-turd this week, full of revelations like “Joe Biden eats dinner sometimes” and “Hunter Biden is kind of a tool”)
Specifically, the White House is makin’ funna him. White House spox Ian Sams has been makin’ funna him all week.
So Jamie Comer pulled out his fiddle and wrote a mountain tune about how Ian Sams be UGLY. And on Newsmax Wednesday night, Comer sang it for host Rob Schmitt:
ROB SCHMITT: In a statement to Newsmax today, the White House counsel’s office specifically went after you, writing in part, “House Republicans on the Oversight Committee released another memo full of years-old news, innuendo and misdirection, but notably missing yet again is any connection to President Biden. Comer hypes up self-proclaimed bombshell findings about President Biden and time after time fails to provide any actual evidence. Today’s release is yet another flop.”
That’s Ian Sams at the White House. Your response to that?
REP. JAMES COMER: Well, I could have done without that picture. He’s not the most flattering person I’ve ever seen. But at the end of the day, Ian Sams is a clown.
Cool. Everything Sams said was true, but if this makes Comer feel better.
And let it be noted that Wonkette correctly pointed out that James Comer is a fucking clown long before he had a temper tantrum and called Sams a clown.
COMER: I mean, we just had the president’s sons, business partner and best friend testify that Hunter Biden made his millions of dollars selling Joe Biden, selling access to Joe Biden. Joe Biden was the brand. He admitted that they didn’t do anything like a normal business. They didn’t provide any service. They didn’t sell anything.
LMAO that is not what Devon Archer said, and either Comer is lying or he’s simply too country-fried stupid to know how mistaken he is. We are willing to accept both possibilities.
COMER: What they did was sold access to the federal government. They peddled Joe Biden’s butt to our adversaries around the world and took millions and millions of dollars.
DID DEY PEDDLE HIS BUTT? IS DAT WHAT DEY DID? DID DEY PEDDLE JOE BIDEN’S BUTT? JINGLE JANGLE JINGLE JANGLE BINGO BANJO STRUUUUUUUUUUUM?
But no, that is not what they did. Devon Archer did not say that. James Comer has not produced one shred of evidence to that effect. It’s easy to see why Ian Sams has been making fun of him all week.
COMER: And for someone getting paid with our tax dollars like Ian Sams, to stand up and say that “No, they haven’t proven Joe Biden did anything wrong.” How much more evidence do they need?
“One evidence” would be a start. And no, nervously grinning like a lunatic while he says “Hunter Biden!” over and over again does not constitute ‘evidence.”
COMER: I’ll tell you this, Rob. Ian Sams can say one thing. The media can say one thing, but the American people see that there’s corruption here. They realize that this family has profited off of their backs paying taxes for this government and they want something done about it.
Comer may be surprised to learn that “the American people” are not adequately represented by the walking fireworks accidents who watch him on Newsmax.
You might be interested in what these memos from Sams say, if they’ve got Jamie Comer bellyaching so hard about them.
In the first memo, Sams unloaded on House Speaker Kevin McCarthy for going on Fox News and blatantly lying about what the Comer investigation was uncovering (nothing), and the White House’s cooperation with it. He detailed McCarthy’s lies in detail, and even included the full transcript of testimony from Hunter Biden’s business partner Devon Archer, which hilariously debunks everything Republicans have ever claimed about the Bidens. (Which is why Republicans and rightwing media are just shamelessly lying about what Archer said. And why can they get away with that, class? Because their followers are idiots and they know it.)
In the second one, Sams goes hardcore calling Comer the moron he is. It is just deliciously mean. But what’s so sad is that all Sams does is state easily observable facts about Comer, and not even in that way Wonkette does when we start talking about his rhombus head and resting poop face. Excerpts:
Today House Republicans on the Oversight Committee released another memo full of years-old “news,” innuendo, and misdirection – but notably missing, yet again, is any connection to President Biden.
LMAO.
Perhaps that is because – as recently as last week – the House Republicans’ own self-proclaimed “hero” witness who was “going to be able to come under oath and tell us exactly what role Joe Biden played” testified that President Biden never discussed these business dealings and was not involved.
Oh, that is rough.
This has been a pattern: time after time, Comer hypes up self-proclaimed bombshell findings about President Biden, and time after time, he fails to provide any actual evidence. Today’s release is yet another flop.
Know what’s another word for “flop?”
“Limp-ass LOL-penis.”
No really, says right here in our thesaurus.
So after seven months of wasting time and millions of taxpayer dollars on their evidence-free wild goose chase, Comer is making it clear that he is shamelessly moving the goal posts.
Oh damn, he’s not done.
For nearly a year, Comer has insisted – over and over again – that his investigation is about President Biden:
[At this point Sams typed out all the times Comer insisted that.)
But Comer’s memo doesn’t show anything about President Biden. And faced with his inability to uncover any evidence that President Biden did anything wrong, Comer is now explicitly moving the goal posts:
• Comer in his memo today: “President Biden’s defenders purport a weak defense by asserting the Committee must show payments directly to the President to show corruption.”
But this isn’t the standard set by “President Biden’s defenders.” It’s the standard Comer set for himself and House Republicans, time after time, over and over again, for nearly a year.
Like we said above in response to Comer’s dipshit question about “how much evidence do they need?” the answer is “One evidence? Start there?”
The memo continues from there, and of course works its way around to noble messaging about maybe if Republicans were serious people they’d drop this clownfucker shit and try to work with the president on actual issues, like goddamn adults. (Our paraphrase of the White House’s very nice words.)
That’s what got Comer so upset he went on Newsmax and called Ian Sams ugly. That’s what’s making old Grumpy Rhombus seethe.
You might do the same thing, if you were as big of a failure in life as James Comer.
Evan Hurst on Twitter right here.
@evanjosephhurst on Threads!
I have profiles those other places but I think I forgot how to log on.
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